Have you ever felt like you don’t belong? Maybe you’re around people who are sort of like you, maybe talk like you, even act like you, but some part of yourself still doesn’t quite fit in with them. You’re not alone and I’m going to talk about the reasons why you might feel this way and how to gain a sense of belonging.
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11 Reasons Why You Might Feel Like You Don’t Belong.
It’s normal to feel like you don’t really fit in. You are a unique individual who has a unique perspective on life and your experiences have shaped you into the person that you are today.
Nevertheless, it’s hard to feel like an outsider because we all want a sense of belonging, there’s safety in numbers, and it’s validating to feel accepted by others.
If you feel like you don’t belong, here are 11 possible reasons why you might feel this way:
1. You don’t follow the crowd.
We all feel like we don’t belong sometimes. We may feel like we don’t fit in, that we’re not good enough, or that we don’t fit the mold of what a person is supposed to be like.
When you don’t fit in, you might feel like an outsider even amongst those who are close to you, such as your family, friends, or social circle.
You may not feel like you belong because you don’t believe in following a certain physical appearance, personality, or belief.
2. You have limited capabilities.
Having limited physical, mental, emotional, or social capabilities can make it difficult for you to navigate in the world and make you feel like you don’t belong.
Some people are more judgmental towards those who are different from them. They might not understand that there is a reason why someone acts differently than them or talks differently than them, so they may not be willing to interact with them and include them in their group.
3. You’re a cynical person.
A cynical person is someone who rejects popular opinion. This can include society’s standards of beauty, common values, beliefs, etc. They are usually pessimistic and practice non-conformity.
They can also have a distrust of others, a negative and pessimistic view about life in general, and strong opinions. Here are some other characteristics of a cynical people:
- They don’t like to be told what to do.
- They don’t believe that people are inherently good or that the world is a bright place.
- They don’t believe in the concept of self-improvement or self-development because they think that people cannot change for the better.
- The only things that matter to them are their own thoughts and feelings, which makes them selfish and egocentric people.
- They don’t want to share their ideas with others.
- They value their privacy and individuality more than anything else.
- They tend to avoid meeting new people.
- They prefer being alone over socializing with others or spending time with family members or friends
- They feel safe and secure in their own little world where no one can hurt them emotionally or physically.
- They can become more cynical over time.
If you have a cynical personality, you’re the type of person that may come off as rude or mean. This means that people may not enjoy being around you because they feel like you are too abrasive or blunt. Or maybe their words are falling on deaf ears.
When you are a cynical person, you may feel like you don’t belong anywhere because you have nothing in common with other people around you.
This doesn’t mean that there’s something inherently wrong with you. There are actually some benefits to this personality type.
Here are some of the pros of being cynical:
Pros of Being Cynical:
- You’re not easily swayed by other people’s opinions
- You’re good at seeing the big picture
- You’re more likely to question authority figures
- You don’t trust easily or blindly follow rules or advice from others
- You value truth and integrity.
- You are honest with yourself and others.
- You stick to your values.
- You don’t set yourself up for disappointment.
- You can be very passionate about what you believe in.
- You are realistic.
4. You don’t fit the “standard”.
Society can have rigid standards for everything such as beauty, personality, body size, and even religion.
Because of these rigid standards, you may not fit in with what is considered standard or normal. This could be what society defines as normal in regards to body size, gender, religion, etc.
Maybe you feel like out of place because of a physical appearance that doesn’t align with mainstream beauty standards (such as a big nose or short height).
Maybe you feel like an outsider because your race, culture, and language are different from those around you and it makes it hard for you to communicate and connect with them.
Or you might feel ostracized because society doesn’t accept your gender, sexual orientation, political views, beliefs, or values.
5. You have trouble getting along with others.
You may have a hard time feeling a sense of belonging because you find it difficult to relate to other people. You think that they are too judgmental and critical of your beliefs, values, and actions.
Other people just don’t seem to understand why you act the way you do, and here are some possible reasons why:
- Trouble trusting others and being very wary of people’s motives.
- Being suspicious that others are out to get you or take advantage of your good nature and kindness.
- Worrying about being taken advantage of by those around you and having difficulty getting close to others emotionally without you getting defensive or pulling away from them.
- Not engaging with others and having little to no friends as a result.
- Keeping distance in a relationship or having strained relationships with others, which makes it difficult to connect with others outside of the family unit.
- Having a history of being bullied in school or work and a fear of trusting others.
- Having had pain and trauma in your life and falsely believing you deserve it.
6. You’re scared of getting hurt or rejected.
You have difficulty making genuine connections with others because you’re scared of getting hurt or rejected.
I’ve been there and have distanced myself from others on purpose because I was afraid of being hurt or rejected by them. I didn’t want to suffer through the pain of rejection or being wronged by others.
Though these are valid reasons, they can also keep you from learning from other people and living a fuller & richer life.
7. You are in your head too much.
One of the reasons why you lack a sense of belonging is the tendency to overthink or self-monitor. When you are inside your head too much, you are not in the present moment. You are either thinking about what happened in the past or worrying about what will happen in the future.
When you’re inside your head too much, you tend to monitor every single thing that comes out of your mouth. And this makes it difficult for you to gain a sense of belonging because you worry too much about what other people think and whether or not they approve of you.
The problem with constantly monitoring yourself is you have a hard time relaxing and letting things happen naturally. You’re always thinking about what others are thinking of you, how they see you, if they think you’re weird or not like them. And because of this, it’s very difficult for you to be yourself around other people.
Overthinking and excessive monitoring can make you feel insecure and unsure about yourself. You need to recognize when you do this because it can get in the way of your growth as a person.
8. You are awkward, quiet, and shy.
You are afraid of speaking your mind because you often feel awkward, quiet, or shy around other people. You feel like an outsider in every group or social setting, even with your closest friends.
You try to be more outgoing and talk to people, but it’s just not who you are and you can’t force yourself to change who you are.
When someone asks how your day was at work or school, you tend to clam up and you don’t think that your opinion is important or worthy enough to be shared.
9. You lack self-confidence.
You lack confidence in yourself, which is why you feel unsure and you constantly doubt yourself. There could be many reasons why you lack self-confidence or self-esteem:
- You have never had anyone in your life who believed in you and supported you.
- You’ve been through some really hard times in your life and feel like you don’t deserve any happiness.
- You are constantly comparing yourself to others.
- You judge yourself and engage in negative self-talk.
- You have limiting beliefs such as “I’m not good enough” or “I can never do this”.
- You’re afraid to be yourself, so you try to be like everyone else.
- You feel like you’re an imposter.
- You have a hard time accepting compliments from other people because you don’t think you’re worthy enough.
- You have a hard time trusting people and opening up to them.
- You don’t believe in yourself or your ability to accomplish things, so you don’t set goals for yourself or try new things.
- You’re afraid to get out of your comfort zone because you’re afraid you’re going to fail.
- Someone told you that you were not worthy enough.
Whatever the reason may be, it’s important to acknowledge the problem so that you can begin to change it.
10. You are going through a transition.
Whether physical, mental, or emotional, you may be going through a transition right now, which can make you feel disconnected, like you don’t belong anywhere.
Here are some examples of transitions in life that make it challenging to have a sense of belonging:
- Going through a breakup.
- Going through a separation or divorce.
- Becoming a new parent or having more kids.
- Graduating from school or going back to school.
- Moving to a new place.
- Getting a new job.
- Losing your job.
- Losing a lot of money.
- Losing someone.
- Health changes.
- Getting older.
- Retiring.
- Empty nesting.
- Moving from place to place.
All of these transitions in life can affect you physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually and make it harder to connect with yourself & others. So it’s understandable that times like these can make you feel like you don’t belong.
11. You are going through a crisis.
You might feel like you don’t belong because you are going through some sort of crisis right now and your life has taken a major detour. Here are some examples:
- Existential crisis
- Emotional crisis
- Identity Crisis
- Natural disaster
- Major downturn in health
- Dealing with depression or anxiety.
- Suffering a great loss such as financial loss.
- Not having access to resources such as shelter, water, or food.
- Family disruption.
- Unreported abuse.
The best way to deal with this is by talking to someone who has experience in dealing with situations like this such as a licensed therapist, a crisis support group, or someone who has gone through something similar to what you’re going through.
What It Feels Like When You Don’t Belong.
When you feel like you don’t belong anywhere, you can feel like you’re an outcast – someone who is always on the outside looking in.
You feel like an outcast because everyone around you gets along perfectly well without having to think about who they are or where they fit in.
You feel like no one understands you but those who know you best. Even then, you can’t be completely honest with your people because it’s hard for you to connect with them authentically.
What Does Belonging Look Like?
Belonging looks and feels like you are a part of something bigger than yourself, whether you are a part of a family, club, sports team, or church group.
Being part of a group means you probably have shared interests, be it your beliefs, your activities, or even what you wear. Studies have shown that having a sense of belonging can be a predictor of your overall health.
The more you feel connected, supported, and like you’re a part of something, the better your health outcome. Belonging is a powerful feeling. It’s one of the most basic human needs. We all want to feel like we’re part of something bigger than ourselves.
When you have a sense of belonging, it feels like you have a built-in security and safety. It feels good to belong because we naturally crave a sense of wanting to be a part of something.
When you have attention and positivity from others, you feel validated. You share values and beliefs with other people and it makes your experiences that much more meaningful.
You are able to be yourself around others without fear of judgment or rejection. It feels reassuring knowing that there are people out there who understand how you feel and accept who you are no matter what.
The same can be said for belonging to yourself. When you have a sense of belonging to yourself, you own who you are, good and bad. You accept all the qualities about you, flaws and all.
This kind of belonging is deeper than the kind that comes from other people because no one can take it away from you.
When you love yourself for who you are, you accept and understand the way you look, think, and feel. It keeps you resilient in the face of disagreement, conflict, and rejection.
10 Ways To Create A Sense Of Belonging.
1. Know yourself.
You can gain a sense of belonging by knowing who you are. Knowing yourself helps you understand where your thoughts, feelings, and behavior are coming from.
When you understand yourself better, you feel more connected to yourself, you accept yourself for who you really are, you’re more comfortable in your own skin, and you feel a greater sense of self-confidence.
2. Journal.
Journaling is a great way to get to get inside your head, understand yourself better, and ultimately gain a sense of belonging.
My favorite way to journal is to write in a notebook for 5 minutes each morning without monitoring or filtering my thoughts and just allow my stream of consciousness to flow through.
This type of journaling can help you gain insights about yourself by dumping your thoughts on paper and making sense of them.
If the thought of writing freestyle is unappealing, you can always grab my free journal to get to know yourself better:
3. Know your identity.
If you want a sense of belonging, you need to find your identity first. Your identity is made up of many different parts, such as your race, gender, culture, socioeconomic status, and where you live.
It is also made up of internal influences like your beliefs, values, likes, dislikes, desires, and dreams. All of these external and internal factors that make up your identity can help you better understand where and how you belong.
4. Become more aware.
Your sense of belonging starts with becoming more self-aware. Awareness allows you to observe objectively how you interact with the world and with other people.
You gain a better sense of who you are by observing your reactions, emotions, thoughts, actions and behavior while they’re happening.
5. Accept who you are.
Self-acceptance is embracing yourself fully, all the good and so-called bad parts. Self-acceptance is not something that comes naturally to everyone though.
If this is you, start by releasing negative self-talk. Practice this regularly until you can add positive affirmations, which are acts that help increase positive feelings.
6. Practice mindfulness.
Mindfulness is being aware of what is happening in the present moment to help decrease suffering and increase compassion for yourself and others.
It’s a great tool to help you gain a better understanding of how your thoughts and actions affect your behavior so you can connect with yourself better and gain a deeper sense of belonging.
7. Practice self-compassion.
When you feel like you don’t belong, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to practice self-compassion. For all those times you feel lonely or disconnected, even in the presence of others, you need to give yourself lots of kindness.
Kindness is an act of love, and you can give that love to yourself to protect against feelings that can arise from a sense of not belonging.
8. Find your purpose in life.
Your purpose in life is the reason behind many of the things that you do. Having a sense of purpose and meaning can help you gain a sense of belonging.
You gain this by having something to look forward to and achieving a sense of working toward something that is bigger than yourself.
9. Join a group.
Studies have shown that having a good sense of belonging can help you feel happier. It can also give you a stronger sense of purpose and security, especially during challenging times.
You can try to meet up with like-minded people that share the same interests as you. If the thought of meeting random, new people scares you, start small. You can join groups online or even say hi or smile at someone you don’t know.
10. Get help.
If the feelings of loneliness become too overwhelming, you can always ask for help. You can ask someone you trust or get some professional help.
There are many resources online that can help, such as SAMHSA or Psychology Today to find a licensed professional. Sometimes they can be covered by insurance.
Other ways to gain a sense of belonging.
“I feel like I don’t know myself”: What to do about it.
What is wrong with me? How to help yourself when you’re feeling low.
71 questions to ask yourself to increase self-awareness.
What does it mean to be your authentic self?
I’m not good at anything: 9 ways to overcome this mindset.
9 ways to find your true identity and discover who you are.
“Why am I not good enough?” 5 possible reasons why.
How to know yourself better in 10 different ways.
Bottom line.
I hope you found these 11 reasons why you don’t belong and tips to gain a sense of belonging helpful. It’s normal to feel like you don’t belong and the reasons may range from having a different mindset to relocating every few months.
And it’s okay to feel this way every once in a while, but if the feeling lingers even when you’re surrounded by people you know, then it’s time to ask for support.
You can use simple tools to help you know yourself better so you can feel like you belong in your own skin, such as journaling, becoming more aware, accepting who you are, being more mindful, giving yourself compassion, meeting new people, and getting professional help.
Whatever choice you make, know that you’re not alone and that there’s always a place in this world for you!
